Wednesday, August 1, 2012

“Zappy” Or “How I Learned To Love Iontophoresis”

Our adventure begins yesterday as I was signing in for my Physical Therapy appointment for my bum (as in “lazy, no good”) right leg…
Me to Boss Lady- “Today my Therapist is doing a procedure thing on me. She’s gonna put some medicine on my butt, then hook me up to a car battery or something. Would it be OK if we took pictures?”
Boss Lady- (I SWEAR she just gave me the SAME blank-stare-sigh I get from hubby. What the hellz?) “Well…if you want to take pictures of your bottom, I guess that’s between you and LeAnne.” (My AWESOME Therapist!)
Me- “It isn’t REALLY my butt. It’s more like where my butt would be if Nature hadn’t worked her magic and, ya know…sucked.”
Boss Lady- Again with the blank stare. Man, she’s GOOD at that!
 We eventually worked out that yes, pictures could be taken and no, there were no car batteries involved. (I was only mildly disappointed about that one.) And here is EXACTLY what happened.


Once upon a time there was a Princess. She lived in a make-believe Kingdom of her own imagination where chocolate grew from honey-blossoms and Diet Doctor Pepper flowed in beautiful, carbonated streams. (But this is totally not what the story is about.)
The Princess had a bum (as in “lazy, no good”) right leg that had made walking a pain in the behind. Literally a pain, since exercises to help her leg had caused a flare-up of Bursitis in her right…cheek, region, area…place. (Darn you Bursas! Darn you to heck!)
One day, as the Princess was stomp-limping across the meadow, she happened to meet a wonderful Magician named LeAnne. (OK, so in other Lands they were called Physical Therapists instead of Magicians, but this is MY story, so screw the other Lands.) LeAnne told the Princess that she knew a happy little fellow named Zappy who might be able to help with her problem.
If you’ve never known the joys
of a corticosterioid, then trust me…
you don’t want to!
Zappy was this weird looking, patch-guy and when you added meds, saline solution, and an electrical current to him, BAM! You had this thing called Iontophoresis!
Zappy was so friggin’ cool that he’d been employed all over the World for over 100 years to force much-needed meds directly into flesh WITHOUT the use of a needle. The best part about using Zappy was that you’d get the benefits of the meds without the nasty, lame side effects.
The Princess thought for sure she was dreaming! Oh the wonders of an anti-inflammatory for her…ouchie…without the weight gain, insomnia, or crankiness? It seemed too good to be true! “Holy shit, Magician Lady! What are we waiting for?”
The hands of the lovely LeAnne
preparing Zappy for use.
(She could SO be a hand model!)
With that, they were off to the Land of the Physical Therapy Place. (That’s when the Princess discovered that the Magician was kind of a fraud, since the Princess actually had to do things like ride a stationary bike, do daily exercises, and pool therapy, because there really are no magic fixes. But I’m getting off topic, so let’s move along.)
After a round of pool therapy, LeAnne applied the NASTY Dexamethasone (a negatively charged anti-inflammatory med) to the negative side of Zappy and saline solution to his positive side. Then she hooked a magic battery up to Zappy’s front to rev-up his internal battery. (NOT an innuendo.)
It took about three minutes for Zappy to get his charge on, during which time it felt like it does when you touch a 9V battery to your tongue? Yeah, only on the…area…under Zappie.
Zappy finds a new home.
(This is NOT my butt…much. And
stop staring at my stretch marks!
I did it for Science. *sigh*)
LeAnne cautioned the Princess that Zappie was kinda picky and no one knew why, but he didn’t work for everyone. “You’ll know by your second date with Zappy whether or not you two are going to work well together. Also? You’ll need eight get-togethers with him before you can finally ditch him.” Which was cool, since the Princess really wasn’t looking for long-term commitment at this stage of her life.
Later that night, after the Princess became bored with ordering everyone around and tripping her offspring with her cane, she sat down with her computer and kinda cyber-stalked the Zapster. Imagine her surprise when she discovered he “got around” like you wouldn’t believe!
It would seem Zappy wasn’t just used in the Land of the Physical Therapy Place, but was also employed to do all kinds of crazy things with all manner of different meds! In his spare time, Zappy was used in the treatment of hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) and in sweat chloride tests for folks with Cystic Fibrosis.
 Zappie had even been known to help with administering lidocaine for unlucky kids needing things like spinal taps, skin biopsies, and IV’s. (This guy REALLY got around!)
Zappy gettin’ his charge on
As the Princess curled up in bed that night, she drifted off to sleep (YES! She could actually sleep, even with the use of a corticosteroid!) thinking happy thoughts about the time she would spend with Zappy and wondering WHY it’d taken her so long to meet this guy.
PS Only time will tell if this guy is gonna work for me. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and loving the fact that the only side-effect (barring an unexpected allergy) is possibly red, itchy or dry skin. WOO HOO!
PPS Thank you LeAnne for being awesome enough to not only slap Zappy on my…spot…but also for being such a GREAT sport and putting up with me. You Lady? Rock the PT World! (And the rest of the Staff is pretty cool too. Just sayin’…)
PPPS Double Bonus points to anyone who gets the reference in the title.

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