Friday, January 16, 2015

Your Borderline Buddy (or The messes BPD friends make.)

 To whom it may concern,

 I’m gonna assume this is the first time we’ve really talked. Maybe we just met and hit it off, one of those things where it felt like we’ve known each other for years and have so much in common. Or you caught me on a good night and found me funny and/or charming. Either way, before you decide whether or not we’re going to be friends, there’s something you need to know: I can be difficult.

 OK, difficult is my preferred way of putting it. The truth is, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Please, just hear me out before you make a beeline for the door.

 As a friend, I’m loyal to a fault! I will stand beside you through thick, thin and everything inbetween. I’ll have your back even when you’re not aware it needed having and be there for you 24/7, for no other reason than we’re friends.

 But I’ll also be cold and distant, not returning your calls or answering messages. I’ll seem angry for absolutely no reason and occasionally pick a fight over something you swear you didn’t even do – like breathe my air.

 I’ll do my best to make you feel like you’re the most important person in the universe to me, and you will be. Until you’re not.

Your Borderline Buddy

 There will be nights we message each other until dawn, talking about nothing more important than nothing. I’ll share my innermost hopes and dreams, but I’ll never share my fears. Because, truth be told, you’re one of them.

 That’s why the closeness will inevitably be followed by weeks of indifference at best, total silence at worst, probably making you believe I care more for the ant on the sidewalk than you.

 I’m not Jekyll and Hyde, huffing paint, or a psychotic bitch. I’m just your Borderline Buddy.

 From the safety of this side of my computer and the knowledge that I’m speaking in generalities, I can tell you what I’ll never be able to tell you: I’m terrified!

 I’m terrified that I’m not smart, funny, or cool enough to be your friend. I’m terrified that I’ll do or say something so inanely stupid, that you’ll roll your eyes and laugh about it later with your real friends.

 I’m terrified that I am nothing more than a friend of convenience. I’m simply someone to fill the boring spaces, to be used when needed then tossed when not. And this is the worst fear of all.

 The fun part about these fears? They end up becoming a form of self fulfilling prophesy. I run so hot-and-cold that I’ll make you uncomfortable. My intensity is not natural, my irrational anger unpredictable, and my over the top game of push me/pull you is exhausting!

 So you do what any sane person would – you step away from the weirdo and choose to devote your time to healthier friendships. Exactly what I was afraid you’d do in the first place.

 Mission Self-Sabotage accomplished!

 I can tell you I don’t do these things on purpose. I try so hard to be like other people! And sometimes I even manage for a while. But the real “me” always manages to find its way to the surface and the cycle begins again.

Your Borderline Buddy

 I’ve probably made myself sound like the worst human in the world, but I’m really not! The real me may be insecure and afraid of being odd man out, but I’m also fun and funny with a personal brand of nuttiness that runs towards the whimsical and impulsive side of life. I can also be a damn good listener and I excel at keeping secrets.

 Believe it or not, I do have friends who’ve been in my life for close to 30 years now. They’re some amazing folks who have learned to not take the silence personally, are willing to call me on my bullshit and don’t mind a personality that only seems to run on the “extreme” setting.

 They understand I’m Borderline and prone to some outrageous behavior. They’ve also been known to call me up and ask if I’m ready to apologize for it. Because they’re good enough friends to hold me accountable for my actions, be they good, bad or indifferent.
 The best part about these lifelong friends? They didn’t leave. Which is all we Borderline Buddies really hope for anyway.

 So, whether you and I are acquaintances or you know someone else with BPD, hopefully this gave you a peek behind the the scenes at why we do some of the inexplicable shit we do.

 If you’re still up for that friendship, I can promise you three things:

  1. I’ll do my best to not do half the shit I’ll probably end up doing anyway.
  2. In between and around the messes I’ll inevitably make, I’ll be the most loyal friend you could ever hope for.
  3. Our friendship will never be boring.

Your Borderline Buddy


Your Borderline Buddy