Sunday, June 22, 2014

Unspeakable H and other ridiculous euphemisms

  I have a problem. OK, fine. I have a LOT of problems, but I’m on good enough terms with most of them that we can hang out, have a couple of drinks, and watch a movie together. That is, all except one; the Unspeakable H.

  Unspeakable H (that would be hemorrhoids) is a problem for an estimated 40% of the population, so it’s not like I’m all alone in this, right? (If you’re in the over 45 crowd? It jumps to 75%.) So WHY can’t I discuss this shit without using ridiculous euphemisms? I can’t even talk like a big girl with my Doc.

  On the upside, at least I know I’ll bring a little laughter to her day. In the minus column, I know I’ll stutter, blush and beat around the bush until it becomes a matter of just pointing toward the general area and squeaking, “BAD!”

  So being an over-sharer who lacks all boundaries, I figured maybe chatting with you guys might help. And by “help” I really mean “help me find some new ways of explaining things without actually using the word”. Because tomorrow I have to call and make an appointment for this…thing…and I’m inevitably gonna catch a serious case of stupid when the Nurse asks me what I need to be seen for.

  How about I over-share with you some of the more colorful terms that have randomly popped outta my mouth (at the most awkward of moments), so you can see what I’m up against.

  1.  Unspeakable H, which has become my go-to (obviously)

  2.  I’ve grown a monkey’s head

  3.  My lady-balls escaped through the back door

  4.  It’s like that song Walking on Sunshine, only more Sitting on a Bowling Ball. With razor blades.

  5.  Ever hear the term “butt-hole baby”? Yeah well…I think I’m in labor.

  6.  I think I have an internal organ that’s trying to run away from home…

  7.  Are you a Johnny Cash fan?

  8.  *points and silently weeps*

  9.  It’s like when your belly button goes from “innie” to “outtie,” only lower.

  10.  The bomb bay doors are broken

  So there ya have it, the embarrassment and shame of not being able to talk to a trained Medical Professional like a freakin’ intelligent, articulate adult.

  PLEASE, won’t somebody help me?

PS Just for the record, do NOT EVER look to the Wikipedia page on Hemorrhoids for information, unless you’re down for a round of hysterical blindness. Because Wiki likes pictures. PICTURES! Not illustration, PIC-TURES!!! (File this under Things You Can’t Un-See!)


  1. A couple of years ago, We were watching TV when a commercial for a new prescription drug for acid reflux/gas came on. The name of the medicine was — aciphex (sp) — pronouncd "ass effects"! Best drug name ever!

  2. I'm so glad you decided to link this to my Sunday Confessions link up! It's a great post and I really enjoyed it…in spite of, you know…the not so awesome parts.

    I hope you'll join us again in the future… Sunday Confessions was created for over-sharers!

  3. Ha! This is amazing! I work in the healthcare industry and I can promise there way WAAAYYYY Worse things they have heard but this is pretty hysterical.
    Please post a follow up once you go in to fill us in on how your euphemism Tourettes failed you this round! 🙂

  4. Experiencing Rectal Dysfunction?
    Anal Hall Eruption?
    Panoply of Vein Protuberances?
    Tumidity of the Posterior?

  5. BWAAHAAHAA!!!!!! Never would have guessed the ass effects the reflux.
    Now the question is, was one of the side effects anal leakage? *giggle snort*

  6. Thank you so much, sweetie! I enjoyed reading all the other posts.

  7. Euphemism Tourettes! That is PERFECT!
    So…how many people have trouble talking about these THINGS? Or is it just me….

  8. BWAAHAAHAA *deep breath* HAAHAAHAA!!!
    Lynne, I love you!

  9. You already know how I feel on this particular subject 😉

  10. As a fellow sufferer of the Annus Horribilis (thanks Queen Elizabeth II for that one!) I have used the term "personal bean bag" on more than one occasion. But whatever you call it, having to bend over and let them have a good look at your outie that was once an innie is never a fun outing. Sending you much commiseration 😉

  11. Now, while I've never had to deal with this particular issue, I HAVE however dealt with other unspeakable issues…telling my doc that I can't…"go"…sexually…while on my depression meds…yeah, just as embarrassing!

  12. good post. my solution for you if you can't talk, write it down and give printed or written to doc.

  13. And you express it in some seriously hilarious ways, sister!
    In case someone's curious about what we're talkin' about, this would be my favorite pain in the ass post of yours. The infamous Piles for Miles

  14. I am NOT looking forward to that part! The last Doc I saw about this crap (who actually HAD to see for himself, as opposed to taking my word they were there) thought he needed to insert finger to see how bad the internal swelling was.
    So help me, that happens this time and I am SO gonna turn around and either kick or bite. Possibly both. Wanna take bets on which one? *grin*

  15. OH. MY. GAWD. YES!!! Hopefully your Doc was a little more compassionate than mine was. Hopefully, he/she adjusted things until…things…were back in order! (Like that doesn't ADD to the depression!?!)

  16. Believe it or not, the kick-ass Nurse Practitioner I'll be seeing is a friend. So I umm…messaged her the link to this post on FB so she could see what she's dealing with. LOL!


  18. Love ya right back!
    By the way? That was the 2nd post of yours I read. My introduction was the wiki hair piece. Facial hair? Roids? I knew I'd found a friend! *grin*