Once upon a time, there lived a handsome Goose named Max. (Technically, he was a gander since he was a he, but to make life easy we’ll stick with goose.)
Max was a happy goose with a mild-ish personality and a life-long companion named Goslin. Together they spent their days eating grass, swimming in the pool, and taking romantic walks together through the woods. As long as the two of them were together, life was good.
Then the unthinkable happened! Goslin passed away suddenly, leaving poor Max without his other half for the first time since he hatched from his lonely egg.
For weeks on end, Max stood on the hill where he and Goslin had spent so many happy evenings together, calling to the emptiness of the trees and hoping against hope for the answering honk of his soulmate. For weeks on end, the only response he heard was the weak echo of his own voice, leaving him to sink deeper and deeper into his sadness.
No longer did he want to eat grass or swim in the pool. He turned his back on the rest of the flock, preferring to ignore the other geese who were happily paired off. Poor Max became a ghost of the vibrant gander he once was, spending his days alone on the outskirts of the flock, unnoticed by all but one evil, opportunistic goose named Pearl.
Pearl the Homicidal Maniac was just what his name implied – an asshole. He had a bad attitude, a thirst for blood, and a new target for his bullying.
Day after day, he’d find new and ever more aggressive ways to harass poor, mourning Max while Mother (short for Mother Goose or Mother Fudger, depending on her mood) flapped her wings and honked her cackling honk of pleasure at her mate Pearl’s nasty behavior.
Eventually, the Crazy Lady in the Muddy Boots was forced to intervene, locking the flock behind the high fence of the goose pen, leaving sad Max and air-headed Lilly outside, free to roam the yard and play in the pool without fear of attack. Only at night would the Lady free the incarcerated waddle-butts, reuniting the flock until the Sun rose on the new day.
As a year passed in this manner, Max began to emerge from his quagmire of grief. Little by little, he rediscovered the simple joys of eating grass and swimming in the pool. He even began to show signs of finding love again!
Oddly enough, none of this seemed even in part due to the charms of sweet, air-headed Lilly, as the Crazy Lady in the Muddy Boots had hoped. No, another goose seemed to have caught Max’s eye and his heart, wrapping him around the tip of her wing. But who?
As Summer passed into Fall, Max began to display a new behavior that was not in any way pleasing – instead of spending his days swimming, eating and napping, he spent them waddling around the outside of the goose pen. It didn’t take long for the Lady to realize that Max’s location always mirrored that of Mother, Pearl’s evil bitch-of-a-mate.
Max didn’t seem to care if the creature was spawned from the depths of Hades or not, for he was smitten by her…beauty? (Had to be her looks, ‘cause it sure as hell wasn’t her winning personality!) He spent his days longing after her through the dividing coldness of the fence and his nights puppy-dogging after her all around the yard.
Quietly, Mother took notice of Max’s amorous behavior. In the dark depths of her goosey brain, a plan was formed and the trap was set.
The fateful day finally came when the Crazy Lady in the Muddy Boots was herding the waddle-butts into their pen and Mother did a last minute 180 and ran up to Max, her long, slender neck extended in the universal goose sign of, “I think you’re cute,” honking the honk of love.
In her heart the Lady knew that it wasn’t so much that Mother thought he was a hunk of hot feathers, as she saw an opportunity to manipulate an innocent soul. That, and an alliance with Max would keep her out of lock-up for the day.
But what could she do? As she watched Max and the manipulative witch rub necks and honk their love, he seemed truly happy for the first time since he’d lost Goslin. She simply couldn’t find it in herself to break his heart again, sealing the fate of all that lived in the white house on the hill.
Soon Max and Mother were off on their own, terrorizing innocent Muscovy ducks, unsuspecting cats, and anyone else foolish enough to step outside the house. Sadly, the biggest target of their Bonnie and Clyde like union was Pearl, Mother’s former flame.
Without Mother’s constant encouragement, Pearl immediately dropped from Top Goose, to low man in the pecking order. No longer did the poor guy delight in kicking the butt of his nemesis, but waddled at top speed away from the terrifying prospect of Max’s fury spurred on by Mother’s honks of glee.
As the Crazy Lady in the Muddy Boots helplessly watched, it slowly dawned on her that Mother was something of the goose equivalent of Helen of Troy – whoever was beguiled by her…beauty? went bat-shit crazy in their attempts to keep her and destroy her former lover. An analogy that was nowhere near what you might call romantic, but definitely in keeping with the amount of goose warfare occurring in the yard.
In the end, the Lady knew she was powerless to talk any sense into the beguiled Max. Just like the story of the Trojan War, all she could do was try to keep the warring idiots separated and hope against hope that Max would come to his senses.
So the two feathered morons were allowed to live happily ever after.
At least until Spring and the mating season, when all hell is sure to break loose and no one, neither feathered nor human, will be safe from whatever new insanity Max and Mother are sure to aspire too.