Monday, March 3, 2014

Starburst

 It was a perfect storm. A comment, a photo prompt, and a chapter in a book all came together and mad scientist-ed an AH HA! moment.


 In the silence of the pre-dawn house, alone with nothing but my thoughts, I suddenly realized that the relationships in my life that have held the most beauty and love, have been those that stemmed from a love of me for who I was/am. No one trying to make me over into their image or their ideal image. No one trying to form me into a “twin” mold. No one constantly affirming I’m just like them, in whatever way, for whatever reason.
 No one needing me to be the reflection that affirmed their value as people or validating the beauty of their souls.

 Those who have looked me in the eye, seen me at my best and worst and, instead of clinging to the “just likes,” they chose to celebrated the uniquenesses. These are the people who have touched me the deepest and infuriated me the most. They’ve encouraged me to think about and reevaluate my motives, without ever demanding it. Together we’ve honored personal growths, even though we loved each other without it.

 There may not always have been understanding, since my mind flip-flops back and forth between a furious maelstrom and some kind of vortex of organized chaos that makes sense only to me. But for these people, there didn’t need to be complete understanding because there was respect and love.

 In an oddly alien world of online presences, life hacks, and formulas for success that enamoured fans constantly attempt to emulate, it seems the unique accidentally gets caught in the riptide and pulled under the waves of “the same.”

 Maybe that’s secretly why I push so hard to be the me that can find comfort in my own skin, even when that skin is the color of faded tattoos in a sea of beige. Maybe it’s been such a deep, dark secret that I even kept it from myself. After all, I’ve spent so much of my life wanting, wishing, praying, and bargaining to find a way to feel like I belonged. To somehow, some way, not feel “different.”


 I’m not sure when I chose to believe that the whole “finding my authentic self” meant that I would FINALLY click into place; the right shaped peg in the universal hole. When and how did I manage to forget that there is no one universal truth for everyone, so why in the world would there be one universal hole that all pegs must conform to?

 My new dream and wish is that I can manage to remember this bit of self awareness. I am neither a square nor a round peg. I am the shape of a starburst, whatever that may end up being. And the only universal anything I need to wonder or worry about fitting into? Is the one shaped like my heart and the universe itself.


   When I wrote this, I wasn’t sure if I was going to post it. To be honest, this is one of the most personal things I’ve ever shared with y’all. This is truly a “me standing naked in front of the crowd” moment.

A dear friend convinced me I needed to share this, so I took a deep breath and hit “publish”.

 The comment that was partially responsible for sparking this was from Saturday’s silver lined mirror.
I think we all need to remember that WE are the owners of our own self worth…not what others think of us. At the end of the day, we are the ones looking at ourselves in that mirror, not them. I’ve struggled for years with the me on the inside wanting to get out while the me on the outside wants to transform the inside me into something else to please others. Finding your blog, reading it, getting to know the you that you put out here, has reminded me that the me on the inside is really OK! Those people that want to “fix” or change that, are the ones with the problem, not me. Now, I have no illusions that I am anything but imperfect, but I will be ME, damnit, and those people who don’t like it can go fuck themselves! Be you, don’t change, we love who you are!”
 Amy C, I cannot even begin to thank you enough. You, sweet friend, are truly full of beautiful colors! (I hope you don’t mind me posting your comment. It was just…right.)

 The photo prompt I mentioned is from today’s #fmsphotoaday challenge. “My Name Is…”

To each and every one of you who are trying to find your place in this big ole complicated world and to the people who love you unconditionally, I hope this bit of morning weirdness reminds you that you’re not alone. *hugs*
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