Sunday, November 17, 2013

Stanley's Pre-Holiday Financial Crunch

part 1 Stanley, Elf Daddy in his Caddy: The Saga Begins 

Business was slow, the Ho’s? They weren’t hoin’
And Santa was pissed ‘cause kickbacks weren’t a showin’.
“Bring me Stanley!” He yelled
At the first Elf he found.
“He’s gonna send my tribute,

Or that Elf’s goin’ down!”

When the message arrived, Stanley was chillin’ at his crib
Goin’ over the books and flippin’ his lid.
“You girls ain’t been working
And Santa’s sweatin’ me for bread
If ya ain’t finding’ Johns
You’ll find real jobs instead.”

But there aren’t a lot of jobs for pint-sized prostitutes
So they looked for some gigs in a strip club or two.
But The Ho had a rough time,
These weren’t the poles she usually worked

And The Bitch had never learned
How to bend, smile, and twerk

Plus the guys here were rude, expecting more of a show
And those stage lights were hot for girls used to the snow.
The Ho auditioned with
An upside-down maneuver
But the manger just screamed,
“You suck worse than a Hoover!”

The Bitch, she went next, giving her all to look coy
But was met with advice, “Get implants. Ya look like a boy!”
Defeated the two slunk back

To Stanley’s crib, most unwelcome
Where on the phone with Santa.
The Elf Pimp was heard yelpin’.

“Give me one more chance, Fat Man, for your money to arrive
They’re hiring at Walmart. They can greet and ho on the side!”
Which is why for the time being
If a Greeter says to you,
“Welcome to Walmart. What’s yo pleasure?”
I’d run like hell if I were you!

Welcome to Wal-Mart!

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