Sunday, December 1, 2013

Stanley's Ho-Ho-Hos

part 1 Stanley, Elf Daddy in his Caddy: The Saga Begins
part 2 Stanley’s Pre-Holiday Financial Crunch
part 3 Stanley’s Ho-liday Feast

It was the week after Thanksgiving and everywhere online
Pictures of Elf on the Shelf crap was all you could find.
It made Stanley homesick
For his North Pole igloo
But pimpin’ and hoin’
Was the only life he knew.

Then Stanley had a thought; maybe he could moonlight a bit.
He had the Elf costume, all he needed was a kid!
He still owed Santa money,
So “flying back nightly” wouldn’t work.
But he had his pimp’s cell
So he’d just text “cool” or “jerk”.

To Craig’s List he went and placed an add for a gig,
“Elf seeking Shelf for Season, applicant’s must have posh digs.
If your kid is a brat, 

I’ll make ‘em think twice.
‘Cause you don’t get to where I am
In life by being nice!”

He practiced his shelf sitting and had the Ho’s take a picture.
He thought it’d help his add and make offers come quicker.
But for some reason all that came
Were requests of a “personal” kind.
“What the hell is goin’ on
With all these fetish freaks online!?!

Still…if he couldn’t find work of a legitimate nature,
He’s find another way to profit from computers at his leisure.
Which is how his adult website came about
Setting off censors
And causing parents to scream and shout.

The truth is Stanley’s innocent if your kid accidentally finds
His Ho-Elves and Reindeers when they’re surfing online.
If you’re doin’ your job
And paying any attention,
You’ll never have need to explain
The “Ho-and-Reindeer Connection”.

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