Jack And Jill And The “Unspeakable H”

The look poor “Jack” had
the entire trip yesturday!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To get to the Interstate.
Said Jack to Jill, “Do you know the way?
I don’t want to be late.”
She rolled her eyes sitting by his side
And her words sealed their fate,
“I’ve got a map so stop talking smack.
We’re gonna be early, just you wait!”
Two wrong turns later
And a half hour lost, Jill started to cry.
Said Jack to Jill, “Your sense of direction
Leaves MUCH to be desired!
And why the tears?
Have no fear ‘cause my driving is inspired.
I’ll find the way, it’ll all be OK.”
The Jack hit the gas and squealed the tires.
Jill looked at Jack as he doubled back
And said, “It’s not that for which I weep.
I’m afraid to tell why I’m not feeling well…
It’s the Monkey’s head in my seat!”
Jack looked at Jill
Wondering if she was ill
As she told her tale of fear.
Then his face turned blue…and he laughed his fool head off while I was sitting there in tears because I didn’t want to talk to the GI Doc about the size and amount of hemorrhoids I was dealing with.
  I would say “Jack” was an insensitive ass, but the truth is, his laughing at my freaking out over discussing the “unspeakable H” broke the tension and reminded me that a monkey’s heads coming out your bum? Small potatoes in the grand scheme of things! (And yes folks, for whatever reason in this great Universe of ours, that is precisely how I chose to describe “it.”)
 And just for the record, everyone has them! They only become a “pain in the ass” for about 4% of the population, but still…they’re just another part of this wonderful thing called living!
  Despite hubby’s words of comfort between snickers,  I went into full-on, freak-out  mode when I attempted to speak to the Doc about it and ended up uttering phrases such as, “…the ins and outs of hemorrhoids,” “…size of a fist and punching me in the backside,” and my all-time FAVORITE, “I don’t know why I can’t talk about this. I’m NOT a prude, I mean; I’ve had four kids and used to flash strangers in College.”
  WHY OH WHY did I think that was vital information? Because I suffer from a life-long case of foot-in-mouth disease with occasional flares of diarrhea-of-the-mouth.
Sclero Bob demo-ing another
AWESOME use for frozen peas.
If you gotta ask, you REALLY
don’t need to worry about it.
  So next time you’re all nervous and stuff about discussing something “delicate” with your Doc, relax and remember…they deal with people like me! So they probably have heard it all…Yep. Glad I could help put you at ease. (I’m just a giver that way!)
  May your day be icepack and donut-shaped cushion free and may nothing you don’t intend to come out of your mouth emerge during your conversations with virtual strangers!

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