Saturday, August 24, 2013

I’m may not be Batman, but…

  Good morning! OK, I gots a confession to make guys. Guess what? I know this is gonna shock a lot of you to the very cores of your being, but the truth is…I’m not Batman. *hangs head in shame*

  I’m also not Superman, Wonder Woman, or Aquaman. (Although, I’m really not too upset about the Aquaman thing. I mean, who the heck would want to talk to fish anyway?)

  Even though I may not be any of the Biggies in the world of Super Heros, I have recently discovered my very own set of Super Powers. That’s right guys, I am…Sarcastic Chick! (Because Super Slug needs a sidekick.)

  Screw the whole leaping tall building in a single bound crap. And an invisible plane? Seriously guys, it kinda makes long flights and the on-board powder room a rather embarrassing experience. (I hereby restate my feelings about talking to fish. Just…WHY!?!)

  Yes, Sarcastic Chick; able to throw out a snappy come-back faster than her brain can engage the thought-to-mouth override switch. Sarcastic Chick; able to *giggle snort* with enough force to suck that look of shocked disbelief right off your face! Sarcastic Chick; with her autographed ShamWow she can clean up spills at twice the speed of paper towels.

  Today we join Sarcastic Chick as she tries to come up with a list of Super Villains. Because a Super Hero without any bad guys to battle for truth, justice, and a Snicker’s candy bar is nothing but a creepy, middle aged woman playing dress-up. Alone. Early in the morning. Scaring the neighbors and passing traffic…

List of possible Super Villains 

The Over Exerciser-
  (OK, can I just say one thing here? ARE YOU FLIPPIN’ KIDDING ME!?! I’m reading through anonymous status updates and doing my best not to feel like the world’s biggest loser.)
  This is that person who posts their work-out schedule (ever. last. time. they go to the gym) and the list contains more items than my every-other-week grocery list. I swear, this guy must be on Little Debbie’s payroll, because every time I read this shit, I’m possessed by an overwhelming desire to hit the kitchen in search of some comfort brownies.

The One Upper-
  You know who I’m talking about. This lovely lady is the Mary Poppins of Motherhood; practically perfect in every way. She can coordinate 30 different Soccer Mom activities from her iPhone while preparing organic, vegan, gluten free, gourmet meals from scratch (three times a day), abusing every last dust bunny into whimpering submission, looks like a Super Model, and she NEVER wakes up to find a two inch long hair on her chin and wonder, “Where in the name of all that is good and right in the world did THAT come from!?!”
  This woman makes me feel like the universes WORST MOM EVER because my offspring never attended Gymboree or a Summer Enrichment Camp.

  Last on our list of Super Villains we have…

Martha Stewart-
  Enough said.

Other possible Villains to consider

The Constipator-
  Imbued (Imboweled) with the power to stop even the most regular of peoples in their tracks, leaving them powerless (pooperless) in his evil grasp.

Hair Fairy-
  Responsible for super glueing that two inch hair to your chin that you discovered upon waking and wondered, “Where in the name of all that is good and right in the world did THAT come from!?!”

  Join us next week when our unlikely Heroine opens her mouth and accidentally embarrasses herself and all those who know her by talking about her life as a Super Hero to her hubby’s co-workers and the ladies at the Pharmacy.

  How about you? If you were a Super Hero, who would your Super Villains be?

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