…how flamible IS it?

(Read in the voice of Stan Lee)
  Today we find our Heroes methodically moving from aisle to aisle, lost in the maze that is their local Department Store, searching for the ever elusive scourge known as…

  THE ELF on the SHELF!

  Watch as Sarcastic Chick and Monkey Maiden (so named for her Sock Monkey hat) corner random employees, seeking the answer to one burning question, “I wonder how flammable those things are. I mean, I know the face would probably just melt, but what about the rest of it?”

  Look on as these same employees tremble in nervous fear, looking for any excuse to escape into the dark and mysterious depths of The Stockroom!

  Good morning! It would seem The Girl and I still gots it; the ability to strike fear and confusion in the hearts of sales people everywhere! Let‘s face it, it must not be that difficult to throw them off their game when one itsy, bitsy question leaves them all slack-jawed and speechless. Right?

  Although, this does make me wonder a bit. I mean, I usually think of myself (in my DREAMS) in terms of  some kind of Super Hero. (Super Slug, Sarcastic Chick, The Gladinator) But if you get down to the nitty gritty, I’m almost more of a Super Villain. After all, what Hero would leave a wake of disoriented and terrified sales people hiding under and behind shelves in their wake? Yeah, I thought so. *sigh*

  Wait a minute…maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. We’re not spreading terror and the urge to hide from the scary, giggling, hoodie-clad chick and her wide-eyed daughter. “Nay,” I say! We’re spreading much needed breaks from waiting on pre-mature, cranky, Holiday Shoppers. That’s IT! When one of them darts into the stockroom, We’re giving the gift of a few minutes (or however long it takes us to go away) of much needed solitude.

  But on the other hand, have you ever noticed how the Villains have a WAY better time? They don’ have to worry about little rules and regulations like “for the good of all mankind” or being all selfless and shit. They are simply free to have all the chaos causing fun they freakin’ want.

What do you mean it looks like Sarcastic Chick?
The Mask and hoodie-cape are a different color.
See? TOTALLY different!

  Ooorrrrrrrrrr……MAYBE…I got this Sarcastic Chick and Weird-Zilla thing goin’ on, like Spider-Man and Venom. Only instead of an Alien Symbiote, Weird-Zilla is my more puckish side bustin‘ out, leaving me free to pursue the wackier things in life, like inquiring (since people in comic books don’t “ask”, they “inquire” ’cause Stan Lee is seriously cool that way.) how flammable the Elf on the Shelf is…

  Ooorrrrrrrrrr…… MAYBE…I REALLY need to find some kind of hobby, read a (non-comic) book, get out of the house more, or seek some form of intensive therapy.

  Nah. I think I’ll just go with it and have some fun instead.

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