f#cked-up fairy tales



  F#cked-Up Fairy Tales For The Seriously Twisted At Heart


Sometimes a kid just wants a good bedtime story to snuggle up with. Ya know, the kind that have beautiful Princesses, handsome Princes, and happy endings?

Well, you ain’t gonna find any of those here. These are more the f#cked-up fairy tales for the seriously twisted at heart kinda bedtime stuff.


The Crazy Lady in the Muddy Boots and the Geese: A Love Story

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome Goose named Max. (Technically, he was a gander since he was a he, but to make life easy we’ll stick with goose.)

Max was a happy goose with a mild-ish personality and a life-long companion named Goslin. Together they spent their days eating grass, swimming in the pool, and taking romantic walks together through the woods. As long as the two of them were together, life was good. keep on readin’…

NEVER AGAIN!

Come my little peeps, gather around Grandma Goose. Listen as I tell you the tale of the Great Egg Uprising and how each one of you came to be here.

It started in the chicken yard, years ago. That’s where the Geese, Ducks, Turkeys and Chickens all spent their days scratching for bugs, playing in the little pool, and napping in the shade.

It was a good life and, for the most part, we were a happy flock. There was only one thing we were missing – babies. keep on readin’…

ZAP-UZZ!

If you run in fly circles (or buzz in them, as it were), then you may have heard the tales that fly Mommies and Daddies tell their pupae before they tuck them into bed at night. Some may claim they’re only stories meant to frighten impressionable young flies, but I know the ugly truth. For you see, children, I was there that fateful May evening when She…turned keep on readin’…

The Chickens’ll Get Ya, If Ya Don’t Watch Out

 I heard tell they were once the beloved pets of a crazy, wild-haired, bird-lady who lived ‘round about these parts. Legend says she’d spend her days talkin’ to ‘em and teachin’ ‘em to eat the flesh of anyone who dared to step foot on her property.

Then, one dark day, while crazed with the heat and WAY too many medications (remember kids, drugs are BAD!), she sent ‘em out into the World to do her evil biddin’. keep on readin’…



Tales Of Social Media Terror


Of course, if social media happens to be your worst nightmare (GUILTY!) then you might find something to make you smile, cringe, or just shake your head in complete understanding here.


Twitter Soliloquy or I’m Probably On Shakespeare’s Hit List Now

To #Tweet or not to #Tweet— that is the #question:
Whether ‘tis #BetterUseOfTime to #suffer
This #exercise in #banality and #wasted #bandwidth
Or #TakeaStand against #SocialMedia
And by #opposing kill my #platform. To not #Tweet, to #disappear
No more–and by not rising in the #Search Engine #rankings we end
The #headache, and the #thoughts of #confusion
That #MiddleAged #housewives are heir to. keep on readin’…


A Seussian Tragedy 



My body was flaring; I was too tired to play.
So I sat in the house on the computer all day.
I was too bored to write, too tired to make a call
So I sat on the couch doing nothing at all. keep on readin’…



Once Upon A Chronic Illness…


Even though there ain’t any dragons to battle in this batch, there are evil creatures of another sort: autoimmune beasties. In these tales, as in life, the ability to laugh is gonna be your best line of defense.


One of a Kind

  One bright, sunny day, a little girl named Maggie sat down on the bank of a lovely blue river. As she watched the water flow past, she thought about how sick she had been lately and how none of her Doctors seemed to know why.
  As she sat thinking, an odd little animal wandered up to her. “Hello!” he said. “Why do you look so sad?”


  Maggie blinked at the little brown creature talking to her. “I’m sick,” she replied, “and no one can figure out why.” keep on readin’…

Annie and the Whispering Straw

Annie was a housewife who LOVED her job. She was weird enough that she delighted in cooking, cleaning, and generally herding her family into an appearance of something she wouldn’t mind being seen with in public.

Annie also had a deep, dark secret that few people knew. (Hence the term “secret”?) Annie had Crohn’s Disease. But it got worse. Far, far worse! Annie also “cohabitated” with the Unspeakable-H. (That’s hemorrhoids, y’all.) keep in readin’…

Ghost of Seuss

I’ll tell ya what I’d do
If I won some dough
I’d build a big house
That wasn’t just for show

I’d fill it with folks
From far and from near
And surround it with Docs
With big listening ears keep on readin’…

Journeys of Joy

  Once upon a time there was a little girl. For the sake of our story, we’ll call her Joy. (Even though we all know “Joy” is really just a creative way of saying “Chris” and this story is all about me. Because it’s ALWAYS all about me. But I digress.)

  Joy had been skipping through the forest for quite some time and inadvertently found herself in two situations:

1) she was completely lost and

2) she was standing outside of a cottage fashioned completely from cups, saucers, dinner plates, and bowls. All the finest, most delicate china in the most prettiest colors she’d ever laid eyes on. And it was HUGE! keep on readin’…

Zappy or How I Learned To Love Iontophoresis

 Once upon a time there was a Princess. She lived in a make-believe Kingdom of her own imagination where chocolate grew from honey-blossoms and Diet Doctor Pepper flowed in beautiful, carbonated streams. (But this is totally not what the story is about.)

The Princess had a bum (as in “lazy, no good”) right leg that had made walking a pain in the behind. Literally a pain, since exercises to help her leg had caused a flare-up of Bursitis in her right…cheek, region, area…place(Darn you Bursas! Darn you to heck!) keep on readin’…


Stanley The Elf Pimp


Are you an Elf on the Shelf aficionado? Yeah well, I’m not. Think of Stanley, the Elf Pimp of the North Pole as the Anti-Elf on the Shelf.

But if you dig stories of pimps, hos, and the hardships the Holidays heap on their profit margins, the Stanley is the dude for you.

Stanley, Elf Daddy in his Caddy: The Saga Begins


Onward and upward, they soldiered through.
It may seem kinda crazy, but one thing they knew;
For their master plan to work,
An Elf needed to be found.
Which is why these crazy chicks
Were searching all over town.

To Wal-Mart they flew, searching aisle after aisle.
The employees were nervous, offering worried little smiles.
“I haven’t seen it,” said #1.
“What the hell is it?” said #2.
“I’m pretty sure it’s at Walgreens.”
Interjected some random dude. keep on readin’…


Stanley’s Pre-Holiday Financial Crunch

Business was slow, the Ho’s? They weren’t hoin’
And Santa was pissed ‘cause kickbacks weren’t a showin’.
“Bring me Stanley!” He yelled
At the first Elf he found.
“He’s gonna send my tribute,
Or that Elf’s goin’ down!”

When the message arrived, Stanley was chillin’ at his crib
Goin’ over the books and flippin’ his lid.
“You girls ain’t been working
And Santa’s sweatin’ me for bread
If ya ain’t finding’ Johns
You’ll find real jobs instead.” keep on readin’…

Stanley’s Ho-liday Feast

Thanksgiving was coming quickly this year.
So Stanley called a meeting as he sat sipping his beer.
“This year you’ll be spending 
Your Turkey Day here with me.
‘Cause you Hos have been slackin’
And tickets home just ain’t free.”

After the tears and complaining had time to die down,
They debated a menu so supplies could be found.
They all hated cranberries,
Though none quite knew the reason.
The same with sweet potatoes,
Despite it being that season. keep on readin’…

Stanley’s Ho-Ho-Hos

It was the week after Thanksgiving and everywhere online
Pictures of Elf on the Shelf crap was all you could find.
It made Stanley homesick
For his North Pole igloo
But pimpin’ and hoin’
Was the only life he knew.

Then Stanley had a thought; maybe he could moonlight a bit.
He had the Elf costume, all he needed was a kid!
He still owed Santa money,
So “flying back nightly” wouldn’t work.
But he had his pimp’s cell
So he’d just text “cool” or “jerk”. keep on readin’…

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