Monday, December 1, 2014

At least I finally got my coffee…

December 1, 2014

  Trip-walk-hop down dark hallway to kitchen to start coffee. Step on dog food that’s been strewn across diningroom floor and skid on right foot until I catch my balance with left, which is brought down square on top of 2 lbs of aquarium gravel that (as of bedtime last night) used to line the bottom of a 10 lbs cast iron honey pot/incense burner.

Senile Cat
  Lose balance to left, attempt to regain balance with right foot, only to have it come down on top of hungry cat. Eventually catch myself on kitchen counter, but only after looking like an octopus on roller-skates while accidentally punting one cat and squashing limbs of at least two others.

  Cue dogs begging to go outside and pee.

  Start coffee and cross-legged run-hop to bathroom before I add to the mess left by Senile Cat. As I’m brushing teeth, make mental note of suspicious absence of begging dog sounds. Emerge to find it was the dog and not myself that added to mess left by Senile Cat.

One of three foster kittens
  Grab cleaning supplies only to discover that it’s going to be something of a logic puzzle situation. To reach the mess, must first clean up dog food and aquarium gravel so mop can reach without turning dog food into kitchen mud. Must also attempt all of the above without coffee and without swearing loud enough to wake a family member, otherwise my 45 minutes of solitude will be shattered into aquarium gravel sized pieces of not-today.

  As I’m reaching for the holiest of holies – first cup of coffee of the day, kitten from latest batch of fosters climbs leg like a tree in search of its bowl of morning formula. Sit cup down without even so much as a sip, dislodge kitten from right leg as another furball scales left one.

  Give up and make kitten formula.

Anxiety Ridden Cat
  While kittens are lapping up liquid quiet, pick up cup for attempt #2. Hear freakishly bizarre noise from living room where Anxiety Ridden Cat is attempting to chew through own tail – her current protest to the presence of foster kittens that I won’t let her kick the disrespectful asses of.

  Fill stocking with catnip and place in Anxiety Cat’s mouth – after I remove tail. Watch as she relaxes into her morning kitty-joint.

  Realize all cat food bowls are empty. Sit down cup and quickly fill bowls before munchies hit now drugged-out Anxiety Ridden Cat. Realize that kittens have been left unsupervised with liquid quiet and rush to pull them out of bowl. Hand them to an adult cat in hopes they’ll clean them off before formula is tracked all over kitchen and dining room (they won’t) and remember I never filled dog food bowl that was dumped all over the floor.

  Fill the dog’s bowl so he won’t steal the cat’s food and try to remember where the freakin’ hell I left my damn coffee cup.

  Find cup, which is now stone cold. Drink the shit anyway because CAFFEINE.

Asshole Cat
  The alarm on my phone sounds, scaring the crap out of me so I slosh cold coffee down the front of shirt. Realize sound means it’s time to wake Hubby so he can get ready for work.

  Curse not-so-silently as attempt to walk through living room without tripping on any number of animals so I can trip down a dark hallway to bedroom, wake Hubby and kiss any possibility of quiet time goodbye.

  Emerge from bedroom to the thump-thump-splash sound as Asshole Cat, who refuses to drink from water bowl that’s less than 2/3rds full, overturns water bowl that’s 2/3rds full in protest.

VW Sized Cat
  Grab towel on way back down dark hallway and round corner into the kitchen at the exact moment VW Sized Cat makes a herculean leap onto the kitchen counter, only to misjudge distance her VW sized body will fly, land on edge of drying rack someone (me) forgot to dump excess water out of after last night’s dishes, and send in flying end-over-end across only remaining dry spot on kitchen floor.

  The best part? Where it’s flying end-over-end, it douses your upper torso and face with cold, last night’s dishwashing drips.

  The only thing left to do is say screw everyone and everything, take your coffee, and lock yourself in the one-and-only bathroom for some peace and quiet. You trip back down dark hallway only to find Hubby stepping into the shower of said one-and-only bathroom, squashing your chance for 30 seconds of solitude.

  At least I finally got my coffee…

  Yep. Just another perfect start to another perfect day.