Sunday, March 29, 2015

Arts-N-Crafts in 10 Easy Steps

“That looks easy! Let’s see if I have all the supplies…”
-Famous last words of a Home Crafter


Arts-N-Crafts In 10 Easy Steps

Step 1
 Buy an expensive book of projects because it’s filled with glossy pictures of beautiful things. Don’t bother reading any of the instructions. I mean, it’s in the Hobby & Crafts section of the bookstore, so it must be compatible with most skill levels, right?

Steampunk Style  It's actually an AMAZING book!
Steampunk Style
It’s actually an AMAZING book!

Step 2
 Take expensive book home and casually flip through it until you find a picture of something you’d LOVE to make. Attempt to read instructions only to discover they were written for someone who Mastered in Costume Fabrication.  

Leather Sculpted Goggles Because I have ANY knowledge of sculpting leather, right?
Leather Sculpted Goggles
Because I have ANY knowledge of
sculpting leather, right?

Step 3
 Give up trying to decipher words that have no meaning to you and figure you’ll just “fake it ‘til ya make it.”
 Make a trip to craft store and purchase two of everything you could ever possibly need to make project. Since there’s no real “Items Needed” list in book, rely on knowledge gleaned from four years of watching Face Off.

Step 4
 *Get back home only to discover you forgot at least two items you absolutely can’t live without.
 Make another trip to craft store to purchase forgotten items and three other things you see that might be needed. (Just to make sure you don’t have to come back, right?)
*repeat Step 4 minimum of two more times

Step 5
 *Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and begin project.
 Get halfway through project only to discover you didn’t pay as much attention to four years of Face Off as you thought you did.
 Scrap project and start over.
*repeat Step 5 minimum of two more times

This is how they do it on Face Off, right?
This is how they do it on Face Off, right?

Step 6
 Give up and purchase second expensive book that explains the first of five techniques you’ll need to complete project in first expensive book. (Don’t worry about the other four techniques. If you can’t fake your way through those when the time comes, you can always buy another book.)

This Molding & Casting Handbook is actually filled with TONS of helpful info that even I could understand!
This Molding & Casting Handbook is actually filled
with TONS of helpful info that even I could understand!

Step 7
 Go back to craft store for supplies to complete practice project from second expensive book to insure you’ve got the technique down before you return to project from first expensive book. (After all, you don’t want your finished item to look like it was made by a beginner.)
 repeat Step 4

Step 8
 Screw up practice project minimum of three times before you complete “beginner level” item that looks like it was made by a kindergartener.
 Decide you’re wasting your time on this easy crap and decide to “fake it ‘til ya make it” through original project.
 You’ll probably find it necessary to repeat Step 4, since you’ve mysteriously managed to use up every last supply you need to begin.

Let us not discuss how many similar piles of crap were produced...
Let us not discuss how many similar
piles of crap were produced…

Step 9
 Spend three hours trying to track down the origin of the Mystery Smell so you can breathe freely enough to get started on your project, only to realize the smell is actually you. (You’re not sure how it happened, but it appears you’ve spent the last week-and-a-half in the same sweats and T-shirt and you can’t exactly remember the last time you showered.)
 Acknowledge that it’ll all be worth it when you unveil your final masterpiece, rub some Vick’s vapo-rub under your nose, and get back to work.
 
Step 10
 A. This is it – the Big Reveal! This is what you’ve spent the last month working towards.
 Lay down your implements of crafting destruction, wipe your hands on your sweat pants one last time, and step back to admire your handiwork…
 B. Realize that all your blood, sweat and tears has created something that’s entirely unrecognizable as even being a third cousin, twice removed, from the glossy pictures in first expensive book. Cry your way through an entire container of Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra while hiding under a blanket on the couch.

In all fairness, I haven't actually removed the final project from the molds. Because I'm afraid. That's why!
In all fairness, I haven’t actually removed
the final project from the molds.
Because I’m afraid. That’s why!

$50 in how-to books
$758.63 in crafting supplies
$40 for new shelves in craft room to hold supplies
$96 for take-out because Mommy’s too busy crafting to cook
$64.22 for new underwear and socks because Mommy’s too busy crafting to do laundry
——————————
TOTAL – $1008.85

$65.00 + shipping to hide your shame from family by ordering professionally made item online?
Priceless!

6 comments:

  1. Oh, my … that last picture looks … interesting! Can't wait to see the finished product!

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    1. It didn't even hot me what that last picture looked like until I read this. BWAAAHAAAHAAA!!!!!!
      Sadly, I need a slightly softer piece of leather with which to try again. It's not bad, just not as much detail as I wanted. *sigh* At least my mold is reusable, right?

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  2. I haven't embarked on anything quite that elaborate, or at least anything that elaborate that wasn't mostly made out of yarn. 🙂

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    Replies
    1. We could get in SO MUCH trouble together! The first thing I ever knitted was the standard dishtowel. The second was a three piece mesh outfit from Interweave Knitting Magazine. Because I am completely insane and don't know my crafting limits. EVER!

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  3. I'm into steampunk too. On my desk is a top hat with a pair of goggles resting on it. We just found the goggles in an old guitar case a month ago. Our old bass player left them there. Score! Make sure you show us the final project when it's finished!

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    Replies
    1. LOL! That's awesome! You never cease to amaze me, lady.
      I gotta get softer leather and try again, but as soon as it's done, I promise I'll post pictures!

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